I believe that everyone has a dream waiting to be realized. As little boys and girls we “know” what makes us happy: it is imprinted in our hearts. But then, as we grow up, we may adopt the beliefs of the culture around us in order to fit in.
Some of you might have bought the myth of material ‘success’ at a young age. And, yes, you may have ‘succeeded’ to buy a house, a car or two, send the kids to college … and keep the rat race going.
However, now that the children are gone the nagging feeling that there should be more to life becomes more difficult to suppress. To add to that, in these financially challenging times many “successful” people have lost money they have worked hard to accumulate making it clear that the kind of success they have been working to achieve did not result in the permanent feeling of satisfaction they were hoping for.
Feeling dissatisfied with your current life can actually help you realize that you don’t want to die with your dream still unrealized. You don’t want to be like the men or women Henry David Thoreau referred to when he said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” What is the song in you that wants to come out?
Midlife usually brings us to reflect and consider what we want to be doing the rest of our lives. Should you continue doing your job, adding some elements that would give you the satisfaction you crave, or is it best to change the job you have been doing for others and invent your own? Questions like these can best be answered after calm reflection. If you are still in the midst of confusion, you notice that something is missing, but do not know what you really want.
The following process is what works the best to create clarity for many of my clients. Take time to write down all your feelings, even if they seem contradictory, without judging them or jumping to conclusions too soon. Acknowledging your feelings is like wiping the blackboard of your mind clean. It gives you the clarity to ask yourself important question, such as: “Why did I choose my job? Did the choice come from my desire or by the societal pressure to choose a job that would assure me the ‘good life’? What is it that I would rather do? How can I move toward that? Do I really care what people say at this point in my life? Am I where I really want to be? What is my true purpose in life?”
Pay attention to your breath and make sure you are not holding it, while straining your brain. Your deeper feelings come from your gut, and taking deep diaphragmatic breaths is essential during this process. Then pause a moment, read your list, and see if there is still something to add. Sit with it for at least 3 days and see if new feelings emerge and add them to the list. (Carl Jung says that there is something magical about waiting 3 days…)
You might be able to feel your feelings fully by yourself, but more often we need another person to create a safe and nurturing space for us. If you know it’s hard for you to just feel, and you habitually escape into thinking, then ask a mature friend or a therapist to support you in feeling all your feelings. Feelings are not based on logic, but they contain a great amount of energy that can become available to you to help you make the right decisions. Emotions are energy in motion that needs to be acknowledged, not necessarily acted out.
After the process I described above, you may now see more clearly. If you are still in doubt, you can ask for professional guidance. Finding a good counselor or intimacy coach might be instrumental to finding the self-knowledge necessary to make wise decisions. I have helped numerous couples in Midlife to reach their dreams while making their relationship more sexually creative and fun.
After you have looked at your present motivation, if you still find it difficult to choose the best options available to you, I would recommend you meditate. As you probably know, meditation is a process to calm your mind. There are many ways to meditate. You can start with focusing on an object – a candle or a flower — and keep your mind from wandering to other places. When you calm your mind, you can see clearly into the Real You. I like the analogy of your mind as a lake. Thoughts are like wind that ruffles the surface of the lake, and distorts our vision of the depths. When the wind is calm, you can clearly see to the bottom of the lake.
When you meditate, your intuition can clearly come through. Intuition comes from a higher place than our thinking, rationalizing mind. It is a place where you know how to best re-invent yourself to achieve your greatest fulfillment and best serve life. When you listen to your inner voice and your intuition, and you have the wisdom to follow it, the whole universe is your ally. Your real success is guaranteed.
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