How do we rekindle sexual desire? It really depends of the state of our relationship and on whether we are men or women. The simplest tips are: If you are a woman and want to rekindle the sexual desire in your man you might simply pay attention to the build of his muscles, praise him for helping you, or wear outfits that make you feel sexy. If you are a man who wants to rekindle the sexual desire in your woman, you might simply start with communicating your feelings and listening to hers without trying to fix anything.
Women are aware that non-verbal communication is a very powerful expression, yet they want to hear your words. Romantic, acknowledging words hold the key to opening a woman’s heart. A woman wants to be seen by you. Men, on the other hand, are more inclined to use body language that originates from sexual desire. (See my book: “Lessons from a Tantric Tango Dancer: A journey into Intimacy, Relationships and Love”, page 9). For instance, after an argument, men like to make up by having sex, whereas women need to hear any apologies for wrong-doings before they can enjoy sex. Why? Your sincere apology will assure her that you understood her. You do not necessarily have to agree with her. Being understood, she can relax her defenses, a necessary step to open her sexuality.
It seems simple: If you learn how to communicate to her in her language, you will have more sex: a win/win strategy.
Instinctively you would say that sex should be natural. However, we humans have a thought producing brain and we need to relax it before we can enjoy natural sex. To be good lovers, we need to get away from the constant flow of thoughts. Learning techniques to relax the mind is essential for both men and women to have great sex.
Furthermore, when sex does not feel as good as you want it to, you need to overcome your apprehension to ask for what you want, and then ask in a non-demanding way. Unfortunately, few men and even fewer women know how to do this in a sensuous, supportive way. Some of you would profit from help from a caring professional with Tantric knowledge. Tantra reveals all the secrets of how you can reach your deepest intimacy and highest sexual potential. (See my related articles on www.1tantra.com)
Self-touching is one of the Tantric recommendations. It is important especially for the woman to find out how her body responds to different pressure. Also does she prefer slow or fast touch? In my sessions I often encourage women to touch themselves. Some of them have to overcome the misconception that women who touch themselves are “bad”. As Dr. Ruth says, “The woman who knows how to pleasure herself can teach the art to a lover for a variant, for foreplay or afterplay, or for an accompaniment to intercourse.”
For a midlife couple who have been estranged from sexual activity for quite a while, I would recommend Sensate Massage. The pioneers of sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, came up with this idea, and it really works. It is an exercise for couples to spend time together, petting, stroking and nuzzling each other from head to toe but skipping the genitals, usually for at least the first couple of weeks. Then they can gradually progress to include the genitals, and eventually have a complete sexual experience with intercourse. Sensate massage allows partners to experience what feels good to them without any pressure to perform.
Whether you are a man or a woman, it is important to share your sexual preferences. I find it interesting that men will take time to read a whole instruction book on how to operate a gadget, yet they seldom take time to find out the sexual preferences of the woman they love. Finding out what she likes and for her to find out what he likes is one of the major keys to great lovemaking. Bear in mind that over the years, our preferences change, and what you have been doing for your partner for the last 10 years may not be what they want anymore.
Creating variety is another essential skill to keep the relationship fresh, and rekindle desire. It is a fact that a man can sometimes interpret his women not being in the mood for sex as a rejection of him. In fact, she might easily get in the mood when some newness is introduced into the lovemaking. You may want to brainstorm together how you can create variety that you both enjoy.
Have lots on your menu. Just as it is OK to have fast food, at times it is OK to have a quickie. But it is also essential to sometimes have a gourmet sex encounter of 1 to 3 hours with preparation to set the mood, a long, sensuous foreplay, and heart-felt sexual intercourse in different positions. Doing the same thing over and over is boring and leads to a lack of interest in sex.
It is essential to make sure you share sexually as frequently as you can. Infrequent sexual expression often puts a strain on the relationship, especially when one of you wants more sex than the other. You could help the balance if you seduce the partner that wants less sex into wanting more by making it especially interesting. Tolerating sex as a chore, as many women reveal to me they do, does not solve the imbalance. A man senses if his woman is not enjoying the sexual interaction and might develop premature ejaculation or even Erectile Dysfunction. This leaves the woman feeling used and she might avoid even these short sexual interactions.
Here’s a sample of responses to the question of how couples can introduce variety with a view to rekindling sexual desire. The following are the most common answers I’ve received:
For both:
- Take a vacation to an exotic resort and discover something new together.
- Go for walks in nature and fill up with different smells of nature. Have a picnic and kiss for one hour for desert.
- Go to a new restaurant and have a gourmet meal. Play as though you just met and touch each other’s hands on the table and feet under the table. Send erotic energy through your eyes while thinking how it would be to crawl under the table and touch each other sexually. Play out some sexual fantasies in your head…
- Massage each other slowly and sensuously in front of a fire place
- Kiss each other all over your whole body
For him especially:
- Watch porno movies together at least for a while, then you take over the continuation of the movie.
- Wear sexy outfits and show off your sexuality in them.
- Invite him to watch you make love to yourself.
For her especially:
- Surprise her with an out of the ordinary excursion.
- Take her to a romantic movie
- Take her to dance at her favorite hot spot.
Obviously, these are just a few suggestions. I’m sure you will come up with your own special ideas. Enjoy the process of rekindling your sexual desire for each other and watch your relationship bloom.
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